evil blogger

The absolute best way to save money at a restaurant is to… well… never go. If you’re visiting restaurants more often than just a “night on the town” then you’re shoveling money into a large toilet and flushing it… over and over again… before reaching for the plunger.

Buying and cooking your own food is obviously cheaper. Everyone knows that, but if you’re going to go out, then do it right. Here are a few tips on how to save money on an otherwise expensive adventure:

1. Don’t order appetizers. Every single time (that’s every… single… time) I’ve seen someone order an appetizer they have never finished their main course. Some people can stomach a lot of food, but most can’t, so forget the buffalo wings and spend the money where it counts.
2. Don’t order your drink until your meal comes and ask for water to start. You’re going to be staring at that soda for a good 10-15 minutes. You know you want it. It knows you want it. The condensation dripping down the glass, taunting you like the coy minx it is. So naturally you suck it down before the meal arrives and you’ve got to order another one. Even if you somehow manage to resist the urge to wrap your lips around the straw (it’s getting a little weird now don’t you think?…) and drink it all up, the ice is going to melt, water down the soda, and totally ruin the drink anyways. Sip the water, it won’t fill you up, and enjoy that sly temptress with your meal. (And if the restaurant offers free refills, then consider this a complimentary weight-loss tip)
3. Sometimes restaurants will give you frozen little packaged bricks they call “butter.”  How any human is supposed to spread a brick is beyond me, but, if you can be discreet about it, there is a solution: sit on them… (or stick them between your legs) to create that nice, smooth, spread… like buttah.  It’s warmer than holding them in your hands and completely invisible to anyone else.  Just make sure you don’t forget it’s there.
4. Don’t be afraid to split a meal. Being a lightweight might work in your favor if you have someone else willing to share a plate. Some restaurants might charge you for doing this, or you could just accidentally not tell them. Huzzah!
5. Look for rebates or coupons online, in magazines, or in newspapers. They’re out there… somewhere… I’m sure.
6. When your meal is done and you find yourself with some sticky fingers, use the condensation from a water glass and your napkin to give yourself a good scrub down. It works surprisingly well. (Technically this doesn’t save you money but it saves water which costs someone money. It also spares you the trip to the bathroom… and time is money right?… right?)
7. Don’t get carried away with the tip. Don’t take this the wrong way here you waiters and waitresses out there. Wait-staff are paid to do a job. You give them a gratuity for doing that job. If they suck, then they don’t deserve that 15%. I suppose in this sense you can just save money by assuring you have a crappy waiter (at least for those of you who need a reason to tip poorly), but I don’t know how far you want to take this.